Sports Editors Announce Takeover of Review

Throughout history, people have cared about sports more than anything else, and there are many examples that prove this. The most famous thing from ancient Rome? The Colosseum, a sports stadium. The current Pope isn’t even the most famous person from his own country because we have soccer legend Lionel Messi, who is also from Argentina. And who’s the most famous person from the cultural Mecca of Akron, Ohio? That’s right, a basketball player.

Sports are the main interest and priority of most humans, and no population is more enthusiastic than the Oberlin community. Thus, the Sports section of the Review has decided to take over the rest of the paper. We intend to keep the names of each section while incorporating athletics information into News, Arts, Opinions, and the Conservatory and will follow a clear and logical outline to make this happen.

The plan for the revamped News section is straightforward: Sports section overflow. There is an overwhelming amount of groundbreaking sports news — even just in the town of Oberlin — and we need to cover it all. It just isn’t fair that local kids aren’t getting coverage of their backyard wiffle ball games. By expanding the Sports section to the front page of the Review, we can make sure everyone is represented. If a second-year Anthropology major pulls off a five-game win streak in FIFA online seasons in their dorm room, the people will know about it.

The new Arts section is also relatively straightforward because sport is art. Athletic competitions are choreographed performances of people moving their bodies in expressive ways while wearing costumes. They audition to make the team, practice their skills, and have dress rehearsals — known as scrimmages to some. Coverage of the Arts section would parallel critiques of dance performances while focusing on something everyone, especially the Oberlin student body, actually cares about. Visual analysis of uniforms will also be central to the mission of the new Arts section. No matter the outcome of the games, teams can earn respect for wearing sleek, color-coordinated uniforms.

Opinions is also an area that will seamlessly transition into all sports content. Much of sports media today is already about who can have the hottest take — think Stephen A. Smith and his ESPN show First Take. We’ll have no problem filling the pages with ridiculous statements about a variety of sports topics that use a poor amount of research and an abundance of raw emotion. We know that there’s already a little bit of a culture war between athletes and non-athletes, but one of our agendas will be to incite culture wars between sports teams. Something like an ugly beef between the field hockey team and the ultimate frisbee team will bring lots of traffic to our website and popularize our paper. Another vital move for our new Opinions section is the introduction of gambling advice columns. What brings people closer to the beautiful world of sports than convincing them to put their rent money on obscure college basketball games?

The new look for the Conservatory section requires a bit more creativity because it focuses on an actual institution within the school, but it will still be essential to our new sports-centric paper. Alongside the explosion of Youtube, Instagram, TikTok, and other video platforms in recent years, many new combinations of sports and music have arisen. During the 2022 World Cup, I couldn’t tell you how many Lionel Messi highlights I saw with four different pop songs remixed to it. We kindly ask the Conservatory to convert into a school where they solely teach students how to incorporate music into sports highlight videos, because it will help us keep the connection to the old Conservatory section as best as possible. Once we have our skilled student musicians recording music solely to be played over videos like “Best March Madness Buzzer Beaters of All Time,” the Review will then be able to provide in-depth analyses of such pieces.

Be on the lookout for the new and improved The Oberlin Review that focuses on the most important topic in the world, and happy belated April Fool’s Day!