Our society has been built on the presence of romantic bonds. Many young people place emphasis on being partnered, going to great lengths to find romance wherever they go. The path of dating to marriage to kids sets up the heteronormative expectation for many that their ultimate life goal is to produce a nuclear family. With the rise of tradwives, couples content, and dating apps, it seems like romance is being shoved down the throats of everyone who interacts with content online. Even those who are more offline can’t even escape the pressure to be partnered, watching their friends enter new relationships and facing pressure from older relatives and friends who wonder when they will meet their match. With all this said, it begs the question: do we really need a partner, or do we just crave community?
The American Psychiatric Association published a study in 2024 showing that 30 percent of young Americans are lonely “every day or several times a week.” That percentage is even larger in the case of single adults — 39 percent for people without partners versus 22 percent for married adults. When looking at the numbers, it seems our society has a loneliness problem.
The truth is, the modern world is hostile toward community, with a lack of spaces to meet new people and increasing isolation. In the modern day, you don’t just ask your neighbor for a cup of sugar. Kids don’t play outside as much anymore. It seems like our lives are consumed by work, school, and everything else. Our cities are car-centric, leading to fewer opportunities to interact with our communities. There are venues for adults to meet and mingle, but many of those venues, like bars and clubs, can be quite expensive and geared toward one social experience. There seem to be many barriers for entry when it comes to friendship, which makes our world a little more lonely.
In addition to this loneliness, young people are often taught, whether implicitly or explicitly, that their worth is tied to their relationship status. I have seen this in my own peer group, where my friends cried about failed dates and their prolonged singleness. I have friends who have confided in me about their deep-set insecurities about being unpartnered. I once had these same feelings of inadequacy, the fear of dying alone from a life of singleness. Men are not immune to these issues, facing similar social pressures to achieve partnership and developing similar insecurities when it is lacking.
When romantic partnerships are built to substitute for a larger community, this can put strain on the relationship. Partners who lack outside friends may find themselves exclusively relying on their partner to fulfill their social and emotional needs. This puts an extreme strain on the partner, which can negatively impact their mental health as well as the health of the relationship. A lack in outside support systems can also harm those in unhealthy or abusive relationships by making the victim feel trapped inside the dynamic. They can also lack the financial and material resources to live lives independent of their partner. Even in the best-case scenarios, being married does not necessarily prevent one from feeling lonely, with 22 percent of married people stating that they feel lonely most of the time.
The dating industry has steered human socialization further into prioritizing romantic bonds at the expense of platonic ones, selling the lie that having a partner will inherently make us less lonely. In truth, romantic bonds are far more optional than we think. Aromantic people exist, and many of them live happily unpartnered. People who do experience romantic attraction can find themselves more fulfilled alone than they would have been in partnerships with the people around them. People do not need romance, they need community.
Next time you find yourself feeling single and alone, go call a friend. Talk to a family member, or find a community space where you can engage with the people around you. If you don’t have friends, try talking to new people. In the end, the community you build will hold you up more than any romantic partner can.
