This past month, Oberlin alums took the stage at the Berlin International Film Festival to receive awards for their documentary What Will I Become? The documentary, co-directed by Lexie Bean, OC ’13, and Logan Rozos and produced by Oberlin Professor of Cinema and Media and English Geoff Pingree and Drew Dickler, OC ’12, explores the human stories behind the startling statistic that, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, more than half of trans boys in the U.S. attempt suicide.
The documentary won two Independent Jury Awards at the Berlinale: the Amnesty International Film Award, which recognizes films that highlight human rights issues, and the AG Kino Gilde CinemaVision 14 Plus Award, which focuses on films that directly cater to young people. They were also finalists for the Teddy Awards for Best LGBT Documentary.
What Will I Become? examines transmasculine grief and vulnerability, centering around two young trans men who died by suicide. The two directors, who are both transmasculine and suicide attempt survivors, bring their own personal stories into conversation with these two young trans men.
On a postgrad visit to Oberlin, Bean began contemplating the creation of a documentary centered around trans masculinity after watching The Mask You Live after watching The Mask You Live In, a documentary that explored masculinity but does not include any trans representation. After letting the idea simmer for years, Bean started pulling his team together and directing What Will I Become? five years ago.
In 2020, Bean reached out to Drew Dickler, a documentary filmmaker and producer who had been a student at Oberlin at the same time, and she was immediately interested.
“I didn’t know him well at Oberlin, but I remember his work as an author and an activist,” Dickler said. “I had never really done a film yet that was directly related to my queer community. … As someone who identifies as a butch lesbian and deals with masculinity and toxic masculinity a lot, especially as I came of age, I related to it even though it wasn’t exactly my experience. So I immediately knew I wanted to help him.”
Bean proceeded to bring his co-director, Rozos, onto the project as Dickler reached out to various people she had worked with, including Pingree. The team and project continued to grow from there.
Throughout the filming process, Bean noticed that many people struggled to have conversations surrounding suicide, loss, and grief. Those who were most affected by suicide welcomed the rare opportunity to speak about people they lost.
“When we were doing our various interviews, almost every person we interviewed had a loved one who had died by suicide,” Bean said. “Almost all of them were like, ‘Oh my God, thank you for asking me about this, because no one has asked me about this loved one for years, because they’re afraid of triggering me.’ So, as a huge generalization, people are open to talking about the hard thing. People want to be held and witnessed and seen in their grief.”
Bean said the documentary carries an important message for parents who grieve the person their child was before they came out.
“For parents of queer or trans people, they often fear that they lose their kid when their kid comes out,” Bean said. “But they haven’t lost their kid if their kid’s still here. Like, the parents of Kyler Prescott, who are featured in the film, lost their kid. [Prescott’s death] is losing their kid.”
Pingree also emphasized the importance of the film reaching audiences beyond those in the trans community.
“I’d say one of the main challenges for me was thinking constantly about how to make a film that spoke out boldly, honestly, courageously, and truthfully about the challenges faced by trans people, especially in the United States, especially with regards to mental health, but at the same time, did it in a way that could reach audiences that weren’t just the trans community,” Pingree said.
In the past year, trans rights have been the target of significant pushback in the U.S. Dickler discussed the impact of this on the film.
“Our trans community is completely under attack right now,” Dickler said. “I think this film needs to be made right now because trans kids and trans boys in particular need to know that they’re loved and that we want them alive. … In a moment where it feels like our government and our country is telling trans kids that they don’t want them around, we need to be louder and louder saying that we do and that they matter and that their journey is important and their life is important.”
Pingree and Bean also mentioned running into funding difficulties with the onslaught of anti-trans legislation and sentiment, leading to budget cuts and more constraints on the film process.
“In so many ways, [anti-trans sentiment has] been terrible,” Bean said. “It’s affected every area of my work. This is a film that was made in tandem with public media funding, and we were one of the last films to receive funding before so much federal funding was cut. But, of course, that provided a lot of uncertainty as well.”
At the Berlinale festival, the film and its directors received a standing ovation at the film’s conclusion. Dickler said that, at the end of each of the five screenings, there was a palpable buzz around the film in the room.
“Whenever you get a standing ovation, that’s a good thing,” Dickler said. “But what was even more powerful to me was how each of the five screenings, you really could feel momentum building.”
At least 22 Oberlin students and graduates were involved in the process of this film, including Fiona Chamness, OC ’13, MeiLi Carling, OC ’12, Perigee Vitz Wong, OC ’15, and Max Mellman, OC ’14, who collaborated on “Mirror,” an original song for the film based on a poem by Prescott. College third-year June Gormin also worked on the film as an intern post-production assistant, field producer, and impact coordinator.
