Welcome to Opinions Editors Decide Everything. There are lots of things in this world, and as Opinions Editors, we have opinions on them. Without further ado, we proudly present the answers to all of your most pressing questions as the semester draws to a close. 

Best caffeine source for late nights:

Emily: Iced coffee, hot coffee, it doesn’t really matter. Once it hits a certain hour, coffee is coffee. Tea just doesn’t have enough oomph when I’m really tired, but my caffeine tolerance doesn’t allow me to have energy drinks if I still want to function. Either way the coffee needs to have oat milk in it.

Elle: It’s true that there really is no bad time for coffee. However, there comes a point in one’s night when the long wait for the pot to boil starts to measure up pretty poorly to the quick snap of a pull-tab on a Red Bull Sugarfree™.  

When it comes to energy drinks, there are other options, but they all come with some pretty nasty side effects — including ones not listed on the can. Holding a Monster Energy immediately makes you look like you’re 15 and your favorite movie has just transitioned from The Nightmare Before Christmas to The Perks of Being a Wallflower. CELSIUS needs to be drunk quickly before the contents start melting through the aluminum. Bang operates on a 1:1 ratio of years taken off one’s life for every liter drunk. The worst Red Bull can do is add an extra 20 calories to your day and make you look like someone’s much older cousin.   

VERDICT: Caffeine is good.

Best study spaces by the hour:

Hours 1–3: Whatever the first place you decided on. Be it the Science Center atrium or a cozy nook on the third floor of Mudd Center, these first few hours are when you’re still sitting upright and being productive. 

Hour 4: You went for a bathroom break and somehow lost all motivation to work. The same place as the first few hours, but now hunched over.

Anytime after that: Sprawled on the floor somewhere. It’s not the most socially acceptable to lie facedown on the floor in an academic building, but dorm room floors? Fair game. You’re just a carpet now. 

20 minutes later: Dorm room desk. There are deadlines to meet, after all.

How disheveled is too disheveled when showing up for lectures?

Emily: Hmm, this one’s a hard one. On rough days, just showing up to class can be an achievement. For safety reasons, though, it’s probably best to put on shoes rather than walking to class in slippers. Crocs do count as shoes. Just please don’t take off your shoes in class. Please. 

Elle: When it comes to dressing for lectures, there’s really no point in setting our standards unrealistically high. For morning classes, a simple pair of intact loafers paired with dark trousers and a barrel cuff shirt should suffice. Hair should be combed and parted neatly to one side, although a little scruff is nothing to be ashamed of this early in the day. Past lunchtime, consider nipping back into your dorm to put on a pair of lace-ups if you hadn’t had the chance already. Assuming you’ve already gotten through the hazards of the early dawn, take some time to compose yourself by looking in the mirror, reapplying your cologne or perfume, and making sure the collar of your jacket is adjusted properly before proceeding forward. For those of you taking evening classes, I would suggest switching out your shirt for something freshly starched. French cuffs are also strongly recommended — as the great George Santayana once noted, “wearing a tie without cufflinks is like seeing a child without a mother”.        

VERDICT: Whatever makes you happy, really.

Is it appropriate for humanities majors to complain about their work load?

Yes.

Best place to take a little nap on campus?

Emily: I don’t really nap, so I’m gonna defer to Elle on this one.

Elle: I’ve always found the seats they have in the Apollo Theatre to be conducive to really good rest. The entrance fee’s a little pricey, usually clocking in at around five dollars for a 1.5–2-hour stay, but they lower the lights to a comfortable level and there’s always some sort of white noise playing. I’d say that the same applies to lecture hall seating, but unfortunately they’ve always got these harsh overheads on and the subzero temperatures make you feel like you’re napping in a cell at Guantanamo.    

What does my grade actually look like?

Emily: I really don’t know. My professors haven’t uploaded them and won’t until final grades are required to be posted. Guess I’ll find out in December? I could consult a crystal ball or something, but that would be a lot of work.

Elle: At this point, checking my grades feels a bit like ringing the doorbell when the house is on fire.  

VERDICT: We really don’t know either.

Does anyone actually care about my thoughts on this book in my class? Anybody?

Well, it depends … have you actually read the book? While people who read the things they talk about usually but not always have a better grasp on the subject matter, their conclusions are rarely as interesting, and they’re less prone to making massive generalizations, which tend to keep the conversation going — as opposed to specific, nuanced questions, which tend to stifle creative thought.

VERDICT: If you want people to care about what you have to say, stick to blissful ignorance. If you don’t mind that no one’s listening, you have to put in the work.