For the first time in its 148 years of existence, The Oberlin Review is pleased to report that absolutely nothing has gone wrong this week. In an astounding turn of events, no one was made to feel upset, uncomfortable, or out of place in any way, shape, or form.

The last time an event of this magnitude took place was in the week of Feb. 30, 1892. The Review headline that week read, “Everyone Pleased.” The piece was followed by four consecutive pieces of blank newsprint and a brief review of a regional production of Lady Windermere’s Fan.

This Friday, just under 13 decades later, Oberlin is proud to announce much the same. We reached out to sources all across campus and came up completely dry.

“It’s a miracle,” Administrator A said in a statement released on behalf of the College. “And it shows real progress. My only hope is that students will be able to extend this sort of positivity past spring break.”

The statement concerning the week following spring break comes in the aftermath of an ObieSafe email announcing that masks will be optional beginning April 21, provided that COVID-19 cases remain low. This has led many to hope that this record-breaking good week will be further extended by excitement about the change in COVID-19 policy. However, not all are convinced.

“No good thing lasts forever,” posited Conservatory eighth-year Eunice Burns. “Of course, I’m as amazed as everyone else at how easygoing the College has been these past couple of days, but I’m just not prepared to imagine that this will last any longer than whenever it is you’re going to publish this.”

When we asked Burns to clarify why she doesn’t know when the Review is published, we were stung by her answer.

“I don’t know, I guess I just prefer The Grape,” she said. “It’s got drawings.”

We do regret to report that one student, who wishes to remain unnamed, says that he had a “rough call” with his mother on Tuesday. When we reached out to the Division of Student Life to comment, we were told via email that calls home “aren’t [their] department.”

The general happiness of the College was rudely interrupted by the Gibson’s appeal verdict yesterday. Catch the Review’s actual coverage of the decision on our website.