Insecurity Report

Thursday, March 24, 2022

12:35 p.m. A fire drill forced you to evacuate Burton Hall in the middle of a shower. You stood wrapped in a towel with your hair full of shampoo and legs covered in shaving cream for 20 minutes before you were cleared to return to the building.

Friday, March 25, 2022

9:02 a.m. You wake up today and think you have a bald spot. Not that you can see it, but maybe you’re balding at 21. It’s definitely possible that you can’t see it from that angle in the mirror. Maybe everyone else knows except for you.

3:28 p.m. The track team reported witnessing you walking into the weight room at Shanks Health and Wellness Center only to immediately turn around and run faster than anyone on the team after you saw how many athletes were in the room.

10:00 p.m. You arrived at a party at the scheduled time.

11:21 p.m. You were forced to sing “Happy Birthday” at a Conservatory party alongside several voice majors. I mean, what were you supposed to do? It would have been weirder if you stood there silently.

Saturday, March 26, 2022

11:34 a.m. You’re walking home from an, ermmmm, sleepover and run into your Politics 281 professor and his beautiful newborn baby on a stroll. It’s too late to cross the street and pretend you didn’t see him. You hope he doesn’t notice your day-old eyeliner and the mystery stain on your jeans as you awkwardly wave.

2:34 p.m. Campus Safety officers reported that they saw you in your thrifted vintage Carhartt jacket and it was so big on you that it just looked silly. You’re really trying to fit into the Oberlin aesthetic, aren’t you? Really leaning in, huh? Do you really think you’re fooling anyone? In your attempt to copy all the New Yorkers you just look like a caricature. Everyone knows you’re from Minnesota.

Tuesday, March 29, 2022

10:06 a.m. While meeting with a class over Zoom, you thought you had turned your camera off when you went to go to the bathroom. The camera was, in fact, on.

11:58 a.m. Do you smell that? Someone in this room definitely farted. It wasn’t you, but what if everyone thinks it was? What if what if what if what if what if?

1:04 p.m. It’s your first time head cooking in Harkness House and you’re unsure of how many trays of tofu to make for the co-op. After the meal, you received an angry mass email from the co-op.