In the past few years, the College has adapted much of its infrastructure and financial structure, initially as part of the One Oberlin plans to ensure the institution’s long- term viability, and then in response to the COVID-19 pandemic. Many of the ensuing decisions, including outsourcing dining to AVI Foodsystems, not meeting faculty requests for fair compensation, and [insert criticism here] have resulted in backlash from the student body. We sat down with a roundtable of College Senior Staff members to gain some insight into the institutional perspective on these issues of debate.

Editors’ note: This is not real this is not real this is not real this is not real.

How are you addressing the increasing trend of faculty distress regarding the state of their compensation and benefits?

For every faculty member who leaves due to insufficient pay, we will symbolically remove one tree from campus. This project will be called the Sustainable Infrastructure Project and will contribute to the long-term sustainability of the College.

How is the College addressing the increased toll of the COVID-19 pandemic on students’ mental health?

That’s a great question. After partnering with the JED Mental Health Program in TKTK, we’ve concluded that the best way of dealing with mental health issues on campus is by not measuring the demand for mental health assistance on campus. With that goal in mind, we will be laying off all Counseling Center staff starting last week!

In what ways will AVI look to expand food options for students in the 2022–23 academic year?

In an exciting new change of plans, the College has revoked its recent contract with OSCA and will be introducing a number of new dining locations in spaces formerly occupied by co-ops! The former Harkness House Dining Hall will now house Luminosity, Tank Hall will house Purity, Keep Cottage will house Objectivity, and Third World Co-op will house Caucasity.

Could you address the rumors that —

No, we cannot.

Can you tell us what’s happening with the Gibson’s appeal?

The College and the Board will be *REDACTED*

There have been growing concerns the College is going broke. Are you?

Well, the College has an over $1-billion endowment, and our admissions numbers have never been better. So, yes, we are going broke.

Excellent. So, what do you suggest current students should do in the event that the College does in fact go broke?

Go to Kenyon?

The B.A.2 variant of Omicron is now ravaging Europe, roughly 3 weeks ahead of the College’s plan to lift the mask mandate. How would the College respond to a mass outbreak of COVID-19 on campus?

Boxes will be provided.

How is President Ambar’s bodybuilding career going?

Great! This is off the record but President Ambar will actually be taking her leave from the College this May to dedicate her time to a less stressful pursuit — Olympic weightlifting. She came to this decision last month, after successfully deadlifting Yeobie.

What is your relationship with the editors of The Oberlin Review?

They’re our little bitches. <3