After a brief hiatus, the Sports Editors are here once again to settle any and all of your squabbles, tiffs, debates, and quarrels. If you’re somehow confused about who to root for during the homecoming games (GoYeo obviously), don’t worry! We’ll give you the answers, plus our very important commentary.

The Yeomen vs. Yeobie vs. Ye-O-men?

Yeomen: Learning and labor, Oberlin’s favorite words. We are farmers, bum-ba-dum, bum-bum-bum-bum.

Yeobie: Who runs the world? Squirrels. However, we’re not the only campus with albino squirrels — colleges such as the University of Texas at Austin and The Ohio State University have them too — and their mascots are so much cooler than ours. UT Austin has a 1,700-pound longhorn run onto the field before football games and Ohio State has Brutus Buckeye, a buckeye nut who does push ups after every touchdown! Although albino squirrels are quite rare, those campuses have so many more squirrel friends than the one (1) squirrel we have now, since the OG Yeobie got run over by a bike (RIP, did they ever get a yeobituary?). Still, Yeobie is marginally better than having a yeomen mascot. A 7’10 squirrel with beady red eyes and Birkenstocks isn’t an ideal look, but imagine having a farmer walking around trying to hype you up. What would that even look like?

Ye-O-men: Ye-O-men, t’was the original mascot. Yet, no one knows about them. What is a Ye-O-man though? Now that should be the real question.

VERDICT: Reluctantly, Yeobie.

Favorite team to watch in the fall?

Volleyball is kinda killing it right now. Zoe and Andrea have conflicts of interest here, so we can only hypothetically say men’s soccer.

VERDICT: Volleyball.

Oberlin vs. Kenyon College in Football?

Editor’s Note: This does not reflect the views of our wonderful senior staff writer and football defensive lineman, Chris Stoneman. For more serious coverage on Oberlin football, read Zoe Kuzbari’s piece “Oberlin Football Players Comment on Program Flaws.”

Oberlin: Football hasn’t had a winning season in 48 years. Enough said. John Heisman literally rolls in his grave whenever the Yeomen step onto the field. Every year, football players love to post their media day photos (in black and white for dramatic effect) with a caption like, “It’s finally our season! *insert smirking devil and fire emojis*” indicating that they’re more than ready to achieve that goal. Well, how much longer do we have to wait, because another half a century really isn’t ideal!

Kenyon: As Oberlin students, we are legally required to hate Kenyon. It’s part of the acceptance letter and everything. Let’s start by talking about Kenyon’s new mascot, since they recently changed from the Lords and Ladies to the Owls. Although it’s a great step for gender inclusivity, Ohio isn’t exactly well known for its owl population, so it doesn’t really make sense. They don’t have a costumed owl walking around games yet, but it’s going to inevitably look like a knockoff purple version of the Hooters mascot or Duolingo 2.0. To give credit where credit is due however, Kenyon has been doing much better than Oberlin so far (1–3 compared to 0–4), and they actually had a winning season somewhat recently (2012).

VERDICT: Inconclusive.

Oberlin vs. Ohio Wesleyan University in Field Hockey?

This is a tough one and will definitely be an interesting game. Despite being ranked in the top 25 at the beginning of the season, OWU is only one rank above Oberlin right now with conference standings, and both teams are on a losing streak — Ohio Wesleyan with a one-game streak, and Oberlin with two. Hopefully, Oberlin can pull through, because the third time’s a charm. Plus, Oberlin did have its last two losses away in Pennsylvania, so maybe playing in Ohio again will clear their heads.

VERDICT: Oberlin by a very slim margin.

Oberlin vs. Denison in Women’s Soccer?

Oberlin women’s soccer has been bringing the heat this season since they just won a game against Adrian College on Thursday. Also totally not biased or anything, but OC Taiko is going to be playing for the entirety of the match to hype up the crowd with fan favorites like Noon, Pau, and Yeo Baby! Denison won’t know what’s coming. BEAT BIG RED!