Boys with Toys: How to Hitch Your Wagon

Lucrezia Borgia, Columnist

So listen, a year ago, on the eve of his college graduation, a friend of mine gave me a surprisingly insightful (considering this was back in the Four Loko days) piece of advice to help guide me through the rest of my time at Oberlin. “Lucrezia,” he said to me, “my biggest baccalaureate regret is that I didn’t hitch my wagon. Hitch your fucking wagon.” Now, what my Loko friend meant by this was that here at Oberlin we are fortunate enough to be surrounded by a surplus of individuals with a surplus of disposable income — and if you have any sense, you should grab these individuals by the genitals and ride off into the sunset in their dad’s hybrid Bentley.

Now, with this goal in mind, how might one achieve ultimate Tanqueray-scented success? There are two different flavors of potential gold-diggee: those born into unending bank accounts and those who will work tirelessly to someday own the rest of us and make us their slaves for forgetting his name one time freshman year. The latter are more temperamental and less likely to buy you diamonds and pay for you to be in the new Usher video, because they tend to think that you should, like, “earn” your money. But if that’s what you’re going for, these types can usually be found on the Student Finance Committee, or in these rooms that I’m told are called “scholar studies” — which I’ve always thought were “fucking rooms” — on the other side of the stairs at Mudd. Good luck with that.

But who wants to wait around for their sugardaddy to get rich, when there’s richness all around us, hidden in off-campus houses and the soles of pointy alligator shoes? The trick, dear reader, is to learn to identify these anthropomorphic credit cards and pounce early. Here are some clues to cashstack detection so that you rookies might score some first-half money shots and ride out the clock.

Step one: Identify some potential targets. This part takes keen vision, but very little talking. For instance, if someone wears primarily “real” clothes — that is, clothes with no previous owner, not purchased at Unique on 50-percent-off day, found at the free store, or left at a house after a party — it’s a good sign. If he rarely repeats outfits, has clean shoes and impeccable hair (a.k.a if he’s a dude you know to be straight but looks like they stepped out of some gay hipster dungeon), you’re looking at a winner. Have you never seen him in a dining hall? Sweet! Even more telling: How does your hunnie get around campus? On a fixed-gear, in a car AND on an electric scooter? Fantastic! Does he park their car at his off-campus house and store his bike in his room in East? Mmhmm. Is the back of that car is filled with obscure, expensive-looking instruments and sound equipment? JACKPOT.

Now that you’ve got some targets in mind, let’s move on to step two: finding the diamond in the rough. Mining for diamonds requires digging, and dig you must, pretty young thing. Actual facts are much more telling than appearances: For instance, if your dude’s “retired” (read: never employed) parents fly out to pack his things for him at the end of the year because “it saves money in the long run since he’s not very economical about shipping his things,” put on your best sexy face and buy that beautiful thing a martini. Or, try accompanying your manfriend to DeCafé or Azariah’s. Five hundred remaining Obie Dollars? Can you say “buy me a smoothie, lover”?

I could go on forever, but here are some other key things to watch for:

-His parents stay at the Ritz in Cleveland when they visit.

-He buys $7 packs of cigarettes at Gibsons rather than walking to Mickey Mart for the better deal.

-He has cable.

-He takes (unnecessary) medications to cancel out his other (unnecessary) medications.

-He has been known to complain about how he “hates the Hamptons.”

-He is on a first-name basis with the towncar driver who takes him to the airport.

-He has been on campus for significantly more semesters than he should have graduated in.

-He is a Cinema Studies or Studio Art major.

While my short, frivolous time here has taught me all these things, I sadly cannot tell you how to actually get one of these individuals to give you his gold. Maybe humiliate him sexually or something? I don’t know. Everyone I’ve managed to hitch myself to ends up wanting to teach poor kids how to read and shit, so obviously I have no idea what I’m talking about in terms of actual hitchage. But I pass on what knowledge I have to you, so go forth and drink liquor from glass bottles.