Just Ask Us: Revolutionary Voting Practices

Jolie De Feis and Mike Plotz, Columnists

Welcome to another week of “Just Ask Us and We’ll Tell Ya” with Jolie and Mike. We know you’ve been missing us, but get used to it, because we’re getting ready to leave The Oberlin Review and go out on our own as an independent premiere newspaper in Detroit. You can catch us there this time next year. Speaking of Detroit, Mike is a finalist for a Challenge Detroit Fellowship (yes, that’s right, our very own Mike Plotz is a finalist for the most prestigious post-grad opportunity of all time. You might have heard it referred to as the “New Rhodes”). To make it to the next round, Mike needs to garner a certain number of votes, so we’ve thought a lot about voting and formed some opinions. We believe that voters should be allowed to vote multiple times, with each subsequent vote having half the value of the previous vote.

Think about it. Wait, just take a moment. Really think about it. Get it? No? Okay we’ll explain it. America has a history of vote gaming. Let’s say you have a Republican and a Democrat running, but they both suck. Now let’s say you also have the lead singer of the Dirty Projectors running as an independent, and she’s promising free balloons for everybody. Let’s say you’re okay with the Democrat, really don’t want the Republican, but love the Dirty Projectors and its lead singer. Though you think the independent option is the best choice for America/circus clowns, you also may think that you are throwing away your vote because there’s no chance Amber Coffman is actually going to win, plus it is a vote taken away from Hillary — we mean the Democratic nominee.

Now, take another situation where you have unlimited votes of equal weight, something more like what exists in Oberlin’s Student Senate. In this situation, you vote for the Democrat who you now love, and the lead singer of the Dirty Projectors who is meh, but way better than the Republican. We’ll call him “Jeb.” Supporters of Jeb also vote for the lead singer of the Dirty Projectors because they would be okay with her, and absolutely do not want the Democrat to win. However, overall, they’re still feeling pretty conflicted because the competition consists of powerful, beautiful women. So they both vote for Jeb, who wins, and now we’re stuck with a president that no one even wanted in the first place.

Now we have our preferred scenario: One vote, half a vote, quarter of a vote, eighth of a vote, until we’re almost at zero. Ya dig? So now you can vote for your candidate and Jeb, and Jeb will only win if he gets twice as many votes. If you don’t dig, make sure to email us at [email protected]