Musings from the World’s Youngest Curmudgeon: When You Talk in the Library, God Kills a Kitten

Alex Posa, Columnist

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As the end of the semester gets closer and closer, my anxiety goes up and up, as does the amount of time I spend talking to myself and weeping openly. That is my cross to bear, but what should not be is people talking in the library. I no longer live on the horribly depressing quiet floor, and as people practice instruments in Noah, I have to go to the library to study. I need complete silence to study, so I walk up to the third floor, supposedly a haven for quiet studying. Often, it is in fact silent, and most of the people are courteous — this is especially true of the regulars. However, there are some evil, terrible sub-humans who are such self-absorbed narcissists that they talk. Their population seems to increase around finals, exactly when I need the fewest distractions.

The bulletin board by the main entrance has a large sign that reads: “HIGH QUIET ZONE!” This means no cell phone conversations, no group study — it asks us to be really quiet and respect others’ needs. I’m not really sure what that means to you, but to me it means, “don’t fucking talk.” My needs include you not talking. I have incredibly good hearing (maybe I need to go to more loud concerts that youths seem to enjoy so much) so I can hear you even when you whisper. I am not complaining about very brief conversations, such as “hello” and “hey.” While they can be bothersome, I understand that, unlike me, some people actually enjoy human interaction.

Do not come to the third floor with another person. That is not the place to be with your BFFs. Even if you plan to be completely silent, you will inevitably talk to each other, and I will inevitably want to kill you. I understand you want to hang out with your boyfriend, girlfriend or transfriend. The third floor of Mudd is not the place to do it. I do not want to hear you whisper, and I sure do not want to hear you giggle about your little inside jokes; actually, I never want to hear that. Go hang out somewhere else as you pretend to study if you so desperately need to be with each other. I have even seen and heard people talking on cell phones. What is wrong with those people? Do they have no sense of decency? Here is why cell phone conversations are so distracting: When you hear one person talking, you automatically prepare a response. However, when you can hear two or more people having a conversation, your brain no longer thinks a response is demanded; thus, it is easier to drown it out. You can only hear one side of a cell phone conversation, so even if that person is whispering, it’s nearly impossible to ignore. Therefore, I hate you and wish you a slow, painful death.

To all those who want to talk in the library, for my sanity and your safety, stay away from the third floor. Actually, just make sure you’re far away from the tables on the west wall. I’m pretty selfish myself, so as long as you don’t distract me, I’m good.

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