The following is a submission from a real Oberlin student:

Dear Sophie,

My girlfriend is interested in having a threesome — so much so that she has placed it on her Oberlin bucket list. She considers herself straight and has never experimented with women. I, on the other hand, have hooked up with a man and was really not into it. I think she is open to the idea of another woman, though I know that she would prefer a “devil’s threesome.”

While I am fairly attracted to the idea of a threesome, I don’t think I would be comfortable with another man, and I’m also somewhat worried about it having a negative effect on our relationship. What should I do?

–Potential Swinger

Dear Potential Swinger,

If you’re interested: I’m 5’ 2’’ and have blue eyes, brown hair and sculpted quads. I do yoga every other morning and run five or six times a week. My mom says I have an “electric” personality. I can lick my elbows, do the splits and would in no way be opposed to Lord of the Rings roleplay. If you’re worried about the awkward post-hookup conversation, don’t be! I got a 2300 on my SATs and have an extensive (and mildly creepy) knowledge of manatees. I also had to memorize tons of French poetry in 8th grade and would have no qualms reciting verse if the mood requires escalation. My preferred sexy jams include “Let’s Get It On,” “Ride,” “Love in This Club” and anything by John Mayer.

For reference and recommendation contact: Rachel Webberman, Chris Sundby, Jon Stewart and anyone named Ben. Literally anyone.

But, all joking aside, you raise some excellent questions. You went to Oberlin for a reason, and I’m guessing it wasn’t to get in touch with your inner conservative. I completely understand wanting to be open to new experiences and people, sexually and otherwise.

I’ve been asked to have a threesome twice during my time here. Both times I was very flattered, although not interested. Why was this? Because threesomes are weird. I didn’t want to intrude on a friend’s relationship (the first time I was asked), nor did I want to hook up with people I barely knew (the second time I was asked).

My responses were completely contingent on the place I was in emotionally and sexually: It had nothing to do with me judging the concept of a threesome in the slightest. Yes, threesomes are weird… but so is Oberlin. This is a place where Magic: the Gathering is cool and board shorts aren’t. Where you can wear your great aunt Bertha’s button-up but GOD FORBID anything khaki. I was going to advise that your girlfriend keep threesomes on her post-collegiate bucket list, but then I realized that if she really wants it to happen, Oberlin’s a pretty good place.

You used passive voice a number of times in your submission. You say “I think she…” and “I don’t think…” throughout, suggesting you aren’t sure of what either of you wants. My advice is to sit down with her and have a conversation about what you’re both comfortable with.

If there are places where your comfort levels overlap, that’s great! Go for it. But if either of you feels uncomfortable — and I can tell by your tone that you aren’t 100 percent thrilled — you shouldn’t do it. You seem really openminded and sweet, but that isn’t a reason to do something you don’t want to do.

Besides, anything that makes you uncomfortable will not be fun for anyone else, and, when it comes down to it, threesomes are all about the group’s happiness.

You’re welcome, Sophie

Failing at life? Relationships? Wanting answers? Then want no more! Write to Sophie at [email protected] and your life will never be the same again. That’s a guarentee. All submissions will be kept anonymous, so feel free to divulge your dirtiest secrets and darkest fears.