These opinions do not reflect the views of The Oberlin Review staff. However, we are amazing and knowledgeable about many things, so we’re glad that you trust us to settle these debates. 

Editor’s note: This article mentions the existence of sex.

Question: What’s the best mythical creature to be: a witch, a vampire, or a werewolf?

This one’s tricky.

There are so many different forms of each of these. Are we talking the Wicked Witch of the West or Hermoine Granger? Edward Cullen or Nosferatu? Jacob Black or Wolfman? Each creature has several subsets that could change the outcome. We have to define our terms. Here are the criteria we’re going with:

Witch: Hermoine Granger-esque, has access to incredible powers, has to study.

Vampire: Dies in the sunlight, has to kill humans, sleeps in a coffin, scared of garlic.

Werewolf: Jacob Black-esque, can turn into a massive wolf at whim, looks incredible shirtless.

Using these definitions, it becomes immensely clear that one of these things is not like the others. Vampires are pretty lame, and they have to commit murder. Wham, bam, no thank you, ma’am.

The real argument comes down to witches versus wolves. And for us — as your loving, attention-seeking deciders of everything — it came down to a matter of perception. We tried to think of famous good witches, yet we could only remember Glinda. We tried to recall famous good werewolves and thought of not only Jacob Black, but also his whole pack.

The numbers favor the wolves.

We also took issue with the work that goes into being a successful witch. Why do I need to learn potions if I’m magic? In contrast, being a werewolf is natural. You either can or you can’t. You can do it with others or you can do it solo, like a lone wolf.

VERDICT: WEREWOLF (BUT IT’S CLOSE)

Question: Is a hot dog a sandwich?

At first, this appears to be a perfectly reasonable question. Then, you look at it, actually read it, and realize that the answer is so obvious.

It’s not.

People focus on the contents of a sandwich and the similarities between them and hot dogs. ‘Welp, ya got the bread, meat, and sauce,’ they say. They’re right, but that’s not what we should be focusing on. Instead of ingredients, the number one thing to analyze is structure.

Picture a sandwich. What did you see? BLT? PB&J? Tuna? You didn’t picture a hot dog. Whatever you envisioned, we know what it looked like. It had bread on top, bread on the bottom, and contents in between. 

A hot dog fails this most basic requirement. Its bread-to-meat ratio is all off. We don’t care about any other arguments you may have. We’ve heard them all before. You’ve been disproven. Take this L like a champ.

VERDICT: NO (NOW, QUIT ASKIN’)

Question: Oberlin Hookup Culture Query: Is it weird to wear socks during sex?

Sometimes your puppies gotta breathe, and sometimes you need to toast your tootsies, but which is acceptable during sex?

Not to put our business out there, but it is the official statement of the writers of this piece that feet are alien-like and universally crusty. If we could snap our fingers and turn everyone’s feet into hands, we’d do it in a heartbeat.

Still, it is hard for us to advocate fully for socks on during sex. Yet it’s also hard for us to fully advocate for socks off. No, this is not another Remy versus Stuart Little where we disagreed. No. This is a teachable moment.

Do whatever makes you comfortable. Whatever gets you in the mood, whatever makes it fun for you. Just do you. Maybe that means wearing socks. Go for it. Toast the tootsies and go to town. Maybe it means saying no to fabric-covered feet. Fling them across the room and flop down in between the sheets. Go crazy, kids. 

VERDICT: DO YOU! GET COMFY WITCHA BODY!

UPDATE: REMY VERSUS STUART LITTLE

In the last issue of Khalid and Zoë Decide Everything, we presented you with the one decision we couldn’t make. The great rodent debate of who would win in a fight: Remy from Ratatouille or Stuart Little from the self-titled film. We plead our cases and left the decision up to you at home. We received over 50 responses, which determined that, in a fight between Remy and Stuart Little, the winner would be… Remy from Ratatouille. Remy won 81.5 percent of the vote, making it the most decisive win in U.S. politics this year.

If you’d like to be a part of Khalid and Zoë Decide Everything, you can submit a question to this form. If you submitted and didn’t see your question, stay tuned for the next installment. You just might make the cut.