Disclaimer: “Just Ask Us and We’ll Tell Ya” is a satirical column, and the Review does not condone illegal activity of any kind.

Hear ye, hear ye. It has come time for our final Review article, and boy, are we sad. As seasoned Oberlin students and soon-to-be graduates, we know what is best for you. This time, we are telling you, so don’t bother asking. It is our firm, final and unwavering opinion that in order to consider yourself an Obie, or “Yeo,” you must do the things we have listed below. This list was compiled by us, with recommendations from trusted friends. We know you can do them all if you put your mind to it and don’t care about embarrassing yourself a little bit or a lot. We have both embarrassed ourselves plenty, and we both (almost, kind of, don’t ask us) have jobs. You’re welcome in advance for all of the fun you’re about to have. If you do any of these things, make sure to email us at [email protected]. We will have this email forever because, unlike Oberlin email addresses, it doesn’t expire, and it is also Mike’s personal email.

• Poop in the bathroom on the first floor of Mudd library with the door unlocked
• “Borrow” furniture from East/South Halls
• Adopt a dog and have said dog stolen from you and taken to California
• Keg stand
• Puke before, during and after an intramural softball game
• Buy drugs from someone younger than you
• Enter an academic building without using a door
• Take a class with Paul Dawson
• Break something at the Dojo
• Break someone’s heart at the Dojo
• Repair someone’s heart at the Dojo
• Go to Mike’s house and use the fire pit (his lease is up June 15)
• Forward your Oberlin mail to Gibson’s or Nikhil Kalathil, OC ’14
• Go on a date with a DeCafé sandwich maker
• Talk to Marvin Krislov while he works out at Philips gym
• Create a fictional coffee shop with your friends and have the Alumni Magazine pretend it is a real coffee shop
• Accidentally hit your friend in the face with a soccer ball and still be their friend afterward
• Have one of those friends that you really just only wave to. It is low maintenance and worth it
• Feve Upper Decker
• “Borrow” from DeCafé (for guidance, check out our archives online!)
• Fall in love with a Douglas fir and mourn its early death and the end of Christmas
• Flick Nate Levinson’s ear
• Take a short trip to Sweden
• Go to the Pottery Co-op
• Jump on Marvin’s trampoline
• Tunnels
• Buy condoms at the Sexual Information Center
• Date someone on the Ultimate Frisbee team
• Create a column for The Oberlin Review during your last year and almost make all of the deadlines