These opinions do not reflect the views of The Oberlin Review staff. However, we are amazing and knowledgeable about many things, so we’re glad that you trust us to settle these debates. 

Question: Which is the more happenin’ spot: Slow Train Cafe or The Local Coffee & Tea?

Admittedly, neither of us are big coffee people and we have rarely frequented either of these establishments. Between the two of us, we’ve only been to these places a handful of times. No worries though, because we are committed to giving you a verdict — and this one was pretty easy for us to come to.

We decided that all coffee shops should be evaluated on three things: their social and work atmosphere, their coffee, and their food. Neither of us knew much about the coffee, but both seem to be enjoyed by students, so we called that a tie. The gap grows in the other two categories.

Slow Train, while it is a popular meeting place, isn’t significantly better than the Local when it comes to atmosphere. No, what truly distinguishes Slow Train and The Local happens to be the single most important invention of the 21st century: WiFi — and the dinosaur which taunts Slow Train patrons from unresponsive Chrome browsers across the cafe is the evidence which decides this case. The Local was a superior meeting place. That rhymes. 

Finally, it comes down to food, and what could compare to The Local’s bagels? Rosemary sea salt and caprese??? Are you kidding me??? White people went crazy on those.

VERDICT: THE LOCAL STAYS HAPPENIN’

Question:Morning showers or night showers?

We love our fans, and we appreciate all submissions, but sometimes we wonder about you all. Sometimes the answer is so clear it pains us that there is even a question. This is one of those times.

The purpose of a shower is to get clean.

Let’s say that again.

The purpose of a shower is to get clean.

So, the answer has to be night showers. Entering your abode after a long day, you are dirty. You should and, we’d argue, you need to clean yourself before getting into a bed, hammock, crib, sleeping bag, whatever you sleep in. It’s really that simple.

Morning showers are great. They can help wake you up for the day. They can make it easier to do your hair. They can even make you feel good about yourself and the world in the midst of a pandemic in the midst of an election year. Morning showers are great. They can also, however, be rendered semi-useless by the grand poobah of showers, night showers. 

If you take a night shower, you are clean in the morning. If you take a morning shower, you are not clean at night. Also, because we know someone is going to be like “Well, you sweat at night, so you’re actually dirty in the morning,” or “What about bed bugs?” —  those pale in comparison to the grime you pick up being out and about.

The world can be a dirty place. Take a night shower and keep your space clean.

VERDICT: NIGHT SHOWERS ARE SUPERIOR

Question: Who would win in a fight: Remy from Ratatouille or Stuart Little from the self-titled Stuart Little?

We have to admit something to you — specifically you, our number one fan. You and only you. 

We have failed you. We could not reach an agreement on this divisive hot-button issue. Khalid says Stuart Little. Zoë says Remy. We’re going to need your help on this one.

Zoë Martin Del Campo

The case for Remy:

Admittedly, Remy is a gentle soul, but that is not his weakness — no, it is one of his greatest strengths. He is not someone who will fight unless it is absolutely necessary. Remy proved that he would not let anyone stand between him and his goals when he single-handedly manipulated everyone into thinking that Alfredo Linguini could cook. And when Remy was mistreated by Linguini, he called down a rat army and raided the restaurant to great success. Remy has shown that he can be ruthless toward those that cross him or stand in his way. 

Stuart Little has spent too much time with humans. He thinks and acts like a human, and that would be his downfall. Rats are tough. Just look at the infamous Pizza Rat. When rats set their mind to something, there is NOTHING that can stop them. Little is too busy eating brunch and driving his car with his upper-middle class family to remember what it means to survive and fight like a rodent. 

Remy would absolutely body Stuart Little. 

Khalid McCalla

The case for Stuart Little:

Stuart Little has had a tough life. His parents died when he was young, and he went to an orphanage where he was an outcast because, you know, he’s a trash-talking mouse. He was adopted by a wealthy family, but was rejected by their human son and harassed by the family cat.

And yet, he survives.

He gets hunted by a gang of vicious streetwise alley cats. 

And yet, he survives.

Fighting is about more than delivering a hit. It’s also about being able to take a hit, and Stuart Goddamn Little knows how to take a hit. Remy could never. 

Stuart Little is a survivor. Remy actively walks toward danger, not because he is brave, but because he is blind to the realities of the world. Stuart has been hardened to those realities.

Who would you rather go into a dark alley with: mouse-Floyd Mayweather Jr. or rat-Bobby Flay?

The choice is clear.

VERDICT: YOU DECIDE. VOTE HERE.

If you’d like to be a part of Khalid and Zoë Decide Everything, you can submit a question to this form. If you submitted and didn’t see your question, stay tuned for the next installment. You just might make the cut.